Monkey Sausage

It's Mothers Day!! I have received the best unexpected gift ever....My husband and both children are asleep!! HAHA!
I can't believe it has actually been over a year since I have talked to Debbie or Tony. (My mother and father.) I wish I had done this years ago, but apparently things happen exactly how they're supposed to happen, if that makes sense.
You can only put your hand in a mouse trap so many times before you get rid of the mouse trap entirely and deal with the trap wounds that are already there.
Write that down. LOL.
Something random here (imagine that) I have been having issues with my eyes off and on for the last year. I have been to my eye doc probably 6 times this past year because of eye infections in one or the other eye or both at the same time.
What is causing these infections is my eyes don't tear up anymore. A normal person's eye is refreshed each time they blink. He said my eye acts like it has Rain-X on it. I blink, and my tears just dissipate into a small ball on my eye. It's weird.
Anyway, I told Dan, "How fitting. I get rid of Debbie and now I can't cry anymore!"
I wanted to get a teardrop tattoo on my face but Dan said that means I have murdered somebody. Apparently he speaks 'Thug.'
Represent!!
Anyway, Happy Mothers Day to all the real mothers out there - to the women who step up to the plate when children's natural mothers cast them aside.
God Bless Bonnie Barr, Pam Shouse and Nora Crowe - you ladies hold a special place in my heart and don't even know it.

Turn the page . . . ..

Wow...I can't believe it's been over a year since I have typed anything on here. Looking back over what I wrote I realize how far I have come in this short amount of time. I look forward to getting back into the groove of blogging (ok, rambling) and cannot wait for what lies ahead.

Love to all...
Mel

487 Kinds o' Tired

Has it been forever or what? FOR REAL, DAWG!!
I'm tired of feeling like I have something to prove. I'm tired of feeling like I have to 'look' a certain way. I am ME. I was born Melissa Marie. I often think that if I change my name, would my slate really be cleaned? The people that I care about would know, obviously...but I'd love to say, "No, you must be thinking of someone else. I did not go to school with you." Because you know what? If you weren't my friend then, when I needed you, then fk you now. There are people that I run into on Myspace and send "friend requests" and/or messages to, and ONE in particular did not respond. Their profile boasts that they are on Myspace to 'talk to people I care about.' Well you know what? I don't really care if you respond, it's not about that. It's a fking message just catching up on the last 10+ years. I'm not asking for a kidney. Plus, you've aged tons since high school and I'd be forced to ask you who you were if you responded back now just to be a dick.
You dont impress me. I dont care what you do for a living and what kind of car you drive or how many kids you have. The people that I want to share this stuff with, know that stuff about me. I LOVE giving what I get.
I actually told a coworker last week, "When you do **&%*#%&*#(%&*%&, it really pisses me off and is annoying, and I'm not the only one that thinks that." And they apologized, because they never realized that about themself. It felt good - not to be mean, but to say, "Hey you....FKING STOP!"
I am tired tired tired tired of my fking pity parties. I feel like my good friend Karee because I've said "fuck" about 38529058 times, but it feels so good to just get it out. Now I know why she does it.
I might just change my name and wear cool Chuck Taylors like Amy O. and I might just LIVE for once for ME and I dont care if you stare because it just means that there's something about me that YOU are lacking in yourself. Take a fking picture because I'm not going back to where I was.
Fuckin' A.

Bah-Gok! How do you spell the sound a chicken makes?

Chicken patties. I fixed chicken patties tonight and that even sends me into a sad state. They used to eat Banquet chicken patties ALL the time. Forgot about that until just now. The smell in the house, getting them out of the oven.....This is getting either very pathetic and sad, or just......I DONT KNOW. Am I the only person who, if one particular day they are feeling happy and all is right in the world, thinks to themselves, "Man, I wish I felt like this all the time..." or do people really feel 'that way' all the time? What will make this stop?
1. Get her out of your life. Check.
2. Get therapy to help sort this crap out. Check.
You think: Problem solved....but it isn't. Now, she's not there. She's not a worry. This woman that always has caused me drama (and everybody else in contact) is no longer a worry, and my husband thinks THAT is my problem. I don't have anybody or anything to worry about............except me.............and I am learning to deal with that.
Fine...something funny: Poopfarts.

Whatever happened to the Peggy Mitchell show?

I wanted to be on the Peggy Mitchell show. You know you need to get outside more often when you're watching "Jack's Big Music Show" with your family and saying, "We never had all this...all we had was Peggy Mitchell and that gay King Friday!" but you know I got to thinking...Peggy Mitchell was the sh*t when I was little. I wanted to be on the Peggy Mitchell show and/or Carol Burnett show. Ok, fine. The Muppets too, because I really believed you could GO SEE the Muppets and sit in the audience. Shutup. I miss childhood innocence.
I got upset watching "Extreme Home Makeover" last night because there was this preacher who lived in a trailer and converted his garage into a "recreation center" for the local kids to come and hang out and stay out of trouble. This man to be is the bomb because trust me, you have NO idea the impact you have on children. I have a list of 4 names...4 mothers of friends of mine at different stages of my life that were actually well, motherly to me. It made me break down and cry last night watching this preacher dude. He said "You don't need a million dollars in the bank and a huge mansion to care for a child. All you need is a heart and to tell them that they ARE somebody." I can't wait for the day when I don't think about how worthless I felt growing up. I can't wait until that is all gone. I'm working on that.
I don't know if getting all of it down on paper (as in a journal or well, this blog) would help me, or maybe hypnotism? I'd be too embarrassed to get hypnotized. I'd probably ramble too long about my Wierd Al fantasies.
Me: *waking up from hypnotism* "So, how'd it go?"
Doc: "Something about vaseline and Pat Benetar. Get out of my office."
Anyhoo...something that seems so easy is the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with...HAPPINESS. I have rid myself of hurtful people, our bills are paid, I have a wonderful patient husband and 2 great kids......and am still struggling emotionally. Inner demons suck ass!!! Hehe. Sorry.
This is the hardest thing to say.....because I just don't 'believe' like some people, but is life easier with Faith? Why would you want to give your problems to someone else?

I LOVE THIS.....*author unknown*

To whom it may concern,

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

*i have decided i would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year old again

*i would like to go to McDonald’s and think that it is a 4 star restaurant

*i want to sail sticks across a mudd puddle and make ripples in a pond with rocks.

*i want to think M&M’s are better than money because you can eat them

*i want to lie under a big oak tree and watch the ants run up its trunk

*i want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day

*i want to think a quarter is worth more than a dollar because it’s prettier and weighs more

*i want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes. When i didn’t know what i know now. When all i knew was to be happy because i was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worry.

*i want to think the world is fair

*i want to think that everyone is honest and good. And i want to believe that anything is possible

*i want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again

*i don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor’s bills, gossip, illness, and the loss of loved ones

*i want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, dreams, the imagination, Santa, the tooth fairy, a kiss that makes the boo boo go away, making angels in the snow, and that my dad and Superman are the strongest people in the world.



So .....here’s my checkbook and my car keys and my credit cards and bills too, my
401k statements, my stocks and bonds, my collections, my insurance premiums, my job, my house and the payments too, my email address, cell phone, computer and watch. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this with me further then you’ll have to catch me first, cause.....



"Tag!!"..

"You’re It!!"

It puts you in perspective....

Say a prayer for Curt and Megan Wimp. Megan was 22 weeks pregnant and has discovered that they have lost little Miss Olivia Reese. There is a reason for everything, even though we may not know it now. Rest in Peace, Livy Poo. We love you.

My Austy Poo

Big brown loving eyes
looking up at me with such innocence
Such wonder
I can't believe he's really mine
This child has changed my life
Even when he poops in his pants
When he says "Sorry momma"
it makes it all okay.

Fin.

Magic Shell FOREVER!

I hate hormones and mood swings and stuff. There is no reason why I shouldn't be as happy as a white Michael Jackson right now. I can't wait to get all of this crap in check!! Gawd! The kids are cute as a button but your body goes to CRAP!
(Sorry, Amy.)
And why can't I make my font all one color? And what happened to my toolbar? Huhuhuh...I said "tool."
I love love love Johnson's baby lotion that now comes in Vanilla Oatmeal scent. Why the oatmeal scent? I have no idea. I don't really smell any oatmeal. I think they're just using oatmeal in the lotion itself, kinda like Aveeno, but to add it as part of the fragrance is odd. I don't want to smell like oats. I don't want to smell like that cardboard tube they come in. I don't want to think about that creepy Quaker guy as I rub lotion on my good parts.
I've gone too far.

I have too much time on my hands. Today is no man's land at work. Which for a person like me, spells danger. We now have to lock up EVERYTHING when we leave. I mean EVERYTHING. So, I sent the following email to some coworkers:
"......Since we now have to lock up everything, there is now a key for the drawer that stores our locks. The key that unlocks the lock drawer is now on the ring that is locked by the key that unlocks the lock with the keys. Thanks......"
Two words: Fired.

It's all fun and games until somebody throws up

I have determined that I am a freak of nature. I have spent the last 6 days or so nauseous beyound belief. I'm talking 'not able to get off the couch' nausea. 'The mere sound of Fran Drescher's voice makes me spew' nausea. I am also a week late. That alone would make a person go, "Hmmmm." I'm wiggety wack because I had a tubal when Shelby was born. I know, doesn't matter, it still could happen, blah blah blah. I called the Doc yesterday and had a blood test drawn. No baby, but still baby hormones present on a small scale. Which, according to a nurse here, all ladies have some form of this hormone. Makes no sense to me because it's the "placenta is present" hormone. This ties into testing I had about a month ago for another serious issue.

I was being tested for hepatitis. I bet you money I have some fked up infection in my blood that's giving these off the wall results. I know, I sound like a mega hypochondriac here. I'm not. I'm literally SICK of not feeling right. And the internet gives you way too much information for people looking to see what is wrong with them. I'm sure Doctors love people like me.

"Doctor, I have hypogigliapotropicanahylickalibbywakapoop."


Speaking of pregnancy, my sister-in-law Amy is due at the end of October. "Cletus the fetus" can't get here fast enough!! I need to have a halloween party in mid-October...that way she can be a nun....a pregnant nun. Hardy har har.

Pointless

I was searching the web this morning looking for miracle diet cures, "Take this pill, fatass!" and came upon this site listing foods high in protein. I found a recipe titled "Cheeseball with Melba Toast."
Hence the name o' my blah-g. It's like buttah. It fits like a glove. It was love at first read. Ok, I'll shutup now.

I read an article on why Hannah Montana is not a good role model for little girls. I was thinking that the article would be one sentence. "Because she's the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus."

I love it when you blow your nose so hard your bangs shoot up from your forehead.

I recently called a friend because someone we both knew had passed away. I said, "They had a "In memory of Jason" sticker on their car...." to which she said, "Because he died?" I had to refrain from hanging up.

My father in law loves biscuits and gravy. He went to Waffle House and they served him toasted hamburger buns covered in gravy. He didn't complain. The man loves gravy.

Because I am stubborn, I wanted to see if I really needed the Prozac I was prescribed. I lasted 4 days.

Amy Winehouse is annoying. If I had the power to severely dislike you because you are fugly, she'd be my numero uno.

I couldn't whistle for SH!T

It's late, I should be in bed, but my mind is going 1000 miles a minute. Shelby is getting so big, I know I'll turn around twice and she'll be running the house just like Austin is now.
Like the sexy news I posted a while back about my teef, right after the 10 gallons of lidocaine wore off, I could feel something in my gum that wasn't right. "Probably just a stitch or two" I thought, and went on my way. Well, here it is almost a month later, and my gum is MEGA SORE still from this "stitch." I finally (being the braniac I am) look in the mirror at it, touch it, and discover it's a piece of my TOOTH. STILL THERE. ALL LOOSE AND SHIT. Like it is when you were a kid and wanted to yank it out just so it would stop dangling by a tendon or whatever. Anyway, my MacGyver-ness kicked in. I was NOT going to call the dentist and pay $3905829085209.00 just for them to do the same thing I was about to do. I grabbed my tweezers, went in for the kill, and yanked the remaining bit out. I AM WOMAN!

You could hear from behind the door: "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" and I hadn't even done anything yet. It was just a shard of a tooth, but still. Now, my gum is mega-mega sore, but I know now that it will heal, and all will be well.

Moral of the story: Use floss, people!

It would be cool if it was born on Halloween!!

First off, I am absolutely overjoyed because I AM GOING TO BE AN AUNT AGAIN!! Tony, don't freak out, it's not one of your ho's. AMY O'IGLEHEART IS PREGNANT! I am so excited.....actually, i'm ecstatic. I can't even attempt to put it into any more words, so I'll just have you click here. Ok, fine, so I don't know what that was, but I can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!!

Now for something completely different, and no I'm not bipolar....this is an issue that I talk about only to a rare few that I'm going to spill on here, mainly because it's in my head, I'm hurt and pissed, and as soon as I've vented hopefully I'll feel better. Set free from the chains-ah that have bound-ah me for so loonnnng-ah!! (Think of a southern baptist preacher and re-read that last sentence. I swear, laughter will ensue.)
For those of you that know me, the next sentence will make you roll your eyes. But I swear I am done. I am done with my mom. Done. Kaput. Fin.

It's as simple as this, no sugar coating, no extra drama, no way you can say I was lying when you read this and tell her it's on here: She lives 3 hours from here. She was in town today for a long while. I called her (just a "what's up?" call) and she said she was on her way back home from Owensboro. I have two kids that are her grandkids. I'm even on Prozac now and this pissed me off. I'm to the point where I don't even know what to feel when it comes to her anymore, so it's just easier to take my pink eraser and erase it from my brain. My uncle left my aunt after 31 years of marriage for a woman almost 20 years younger. It happens. Also none of my business. Her concern lied more with meeting this "new girl" and getting all in their business rather than seeing her own grandkids. I don't get it, and frankly, it's soooo much easier not to give a shit anymore.

Allrighty!!

I know I'm getting old when I'm excited about a road trip to Evansville to buy my kids some clothes. I remember road trips to buy me some clothes. And shoes. And cute little purses. And Weird Al memorabilia. And a trip to Studio Art. Bwahahahahahaha! Couldn't help myself.

Love to all!!

Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt . . .

Coughing. Coughing. More coughing. Always the coughing! This year has been awful for colds, flu, pneumonia, you name it. I'm in a office I normally don't sit in today and took a cough drop from the drawer. (Praying to God that it's not an ABC cough drop.) So now I have the retchid "halls of medicine" breath. Yuck. I love Luden's cough drops. I don't think they have a lick of medicine in them. Ingredients: Yummy candy. It's just in our heads that it helps the cough. And they're millionaires!!! Bastards.

I had my first margarita on Sunday. Thanks, Amy!! HAHA! It was great. A lunch with just us girls to get away from our smelly husbands. I think we shall do that once a month!!! I noticed that even after one margarita I talk way louder than I should have. Our waitress, who I graduated school with, said "Mel, there's not a huge crowd here, you're talking waaay loud." Or something to that effect. Crap, I can't remember!

Graduate with your waitress + Margarita = Free margarita. WHOOHOOO!!!

I do NOT like salt with it though. GA-ROSS. Give me my 9 0z on the rocks and no salt, beotch! I love alcoholic lingo!! "My name is Mel, and I'm an alcoholic. Awe-sem."

I only go to New China for the Fortune Cookies

I am so weird. Tonight we ordered ham and pineapple pizza because I'm awesome and it's my husband's favorite. I don't like pineapple, so on 1/2 we just got ham, because as we all know, I love my meat. Bwhahahahaha! Sorry, couldn't resist. Anyway, a piece of pineapple made its way onto my 1/2, unbeknownst to me. I am a weird eater. I only like about 5 foods, mainly because I'm allergic to everything else. Don't even attempt to get me to try your favorite pasta salad or cucumber dip or whatnot...it will not happen. Dan took me to eat chinese once, which wasn't all that bad, but I don't eat any of the 'chinese' food per se'. I eat the chicken, potatoes, and the mozzerella cheese sticks. Every time. I will not like a food simply for it's looks and/or texture. Shrimp is a good example here. I don't want to feel a food "break" in my mouth. I don't like watermelon because of it's funky texture. I don't like mustard because it stinks. You feel me? Anyway, once I bit into this pineapple on my 400 degree pizza, I about tossed my cookies. I don't want fruit on my pizza. If I wanted something healthy, why would I be eating pizza? If I wanted fruit, why wouldn't I just have a fruit salad, or a can of fruit cocktail? Do people add shreds of ham to their fruit cocktail?

It's like ordering a Big Mac, large fries and a Diet coke. If you're going to go, go all out. Don't be a nancy and get pineapple on your pizza. Freaks!

I will probably let him have the next ham and pineapple pizza all to himself. (Which I am sure is his master plan.)

The other day he brought home Old Hickory BBQ (we never cook) and as I was enjoying my mutton, I realized what I was consuming. I imagined a sheep on a pasture, eating grass or whatever they eat.......then I looked down at my shredded brown mess on my plate. I was eating a sheep, and it made me sick to my stomach. I'll never touch mutton again. I got a mental image of a sheep in the field, then at slaughter. (Not at a Slaughter concert, even though I think I have heard about some sheep rocking out there, but that may have been a rumor.) I'm telling you, I'm weird with my food.

Errr.....Umm.....Wha ??

K - this blog would make a lot more sense if you read the below post first, then the post below it. I started a blog a few days ago that I just finished, hence it posting before the one below. What? Just do it, slappy!

No backgrounds, funny fonts, or pictures.

I am devastated. A baby that I admitted to the hospital last week has died. I came home on the day I admitted her and cried and cried because the mother acted like the baby didn't even exist. The baby was sent home the next day, I thought at least all was well. Now she's gone. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

It's so early, and I'm so rambly!!

Potty training. Always the potty training! It's going really well, actually. My little baby boy is now officially wearing elmo and monster truck underpants. Awesome.

Now for some sexy news, I had two teeth pulled last Monday and I still feel like I've been hit in the cheek with a bag of charcoal. They gave me a prescription for Lortab which I don't need, but it's cool to have around if I ever get that bored. I also noticed that Lidocaine (the lovely numbing medicine where you feel like your face is sliding off into your lap) makes me ramble incessantly. I'm sure my dentist was thinking, "Once you shutup, this will go alot smoother." I even asked him if he'd ever heard the whole 'Dentist' bit from Bill Cosby's "Himself" routine. He hadn't! I thought that was a staple of Americana. "My face id on da flo!" I love it. I told him I'd drop off a CD copy. I'm cool like that.

They never want to talk to you until AFTER they inject you with numbing medicine. Why is this? I actually told him, "You'd probably understand me a whole lot better, say, 10 minutes ago." It was good times.

Anyway, about my previous post about the little baby.....I think I am being called to another career path. The obituary that made me hold my head in my hands and cry for that sweet baby was the last straw. I love my job, don't get me wrong. I don't know if it is because I am a mother myself now, or because I know what it is like to just 'exist' in a home where you're supposed to be loved and nurtured....or a mixture of both, but I don't know how much more I can be a witness to. When I admitted the baby, her lips and feet were blue. BLUE. She had respiratory issues. I asked the mother, "Is she feverish?" to which the mother replied, "I dunno, the doctor didn't tell me."

Not once was this baby picked up out of the carrier. There was no blanket. No socks. No hat. Nothing. It was 30 degrees outside.

I can't save the world but I hopefully can make a difference in some babies lives. Now if I only knew where I would be needed most.....

Unfamiliar Territory to say the least

I am experiencing something I have never ever in my life felt before. I'm sitting here at home, Shelby is asleep, and I have absolutely nothing on my mind. Nothing. Austin is safe with his Pappaw. Dan is at work. It's almost noon and I'm still in my pajamas. Nothing is stressing me or making me sad, and I am not missing anybody or thinking about how sucky my childhood was. GOD, I LOVE PROZAC!!!

Just a swiggin'

I literally just now took a swig of Cranberry Apple Crystal light. It made me have a flashback to my pregnancy 'weird craving' days. With Austin, I literally inhaled apple juice. I honestly drank apple juice 24/7. Even while at work. I was so dilligent with that pregnancy - once we found him (13 weeks!) I literally cut out all caffeine immediately. I thought caffeine was a big no-no.
Poor Shelby, we found out about her at 4 weeks along, and I drank Diet Pepsi's like they were the reason for my existence. I couldn't stand the taste of anything else. And I HATED diet pepsi before that. Don't even bring me apple juice now. Ugh. Why I bought cran-apple mix I'll never know.

Attention all morons with kids: It's winter. It's cold. Keep your rugrats indoors. Stop having me admit your babies because you're too stupid to not smoke around them or put a hat on them when you take them out in the windy cold. Sterilize yourself.

I finally had my labs drawn today. This will probably be the only time you hear me say this phrase, but according to the lab work: I'm NORMAL. What??!!!
So, I guess I'll give the meds a shot and we'll see how that goes. If these blogs start making sense, you KNOW something is wrong, so please tell me.

I'm gonna leave you with a song that I always seem to hear right when I need to hear it.

"Maybe I'm amazed" ~ Paul McCartney

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time

Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time

Hung me on a line

Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Maybe I'm a man

maybe I'm a lonely man

Who's in the middle of something

That he doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a man

and maybe you're the only woman

Who could ever help me

Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm a man

maybe I'm a lonely man

Who's in the middle of something

That he doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a man

and maybe you're the only woman

Who could ever help me

Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time

Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song

Right me when I'm wrong

Maybe I’m amazed at the way I really need you