Just a swiggin'

I literally just now took a swig of Cranberry Apple Crystal light. It made me have a flashback to my pregnancy 'weird craving' days. With Austin, I literally inhaled apple juice. I honestly drank apple juice 24/7. Even while at work. I was so dilligent with that pregnancy - once we found him (13 weeks!) I literally cut out all caffeine immediately. I thought caffeine was a big no-no.
Poor Shelby, we found out about her at 4 weeks along, and I drank Diet Pepsi's like they were the reason for my existence. I couldn't stand the taste of anything else. And I HATED diet pepsi before that. Don't even bring me apple juice now. Ugh. Why I bought cran-apple mix I'll never know.

Attention all morons with kids: It's winter. It's cold. Keep your rugrats indoors. Stop having me admit your babies because you're too stupid to not smoke around them or put a hat on them when you take them out in the windy cold. Sterilize yourself.

I finally had my labs drawn today. This will probably be the only time you hear me say this phrase, but according to the lab work: I'm NORMAL. What??!!!
So, I guess I'll give the meds a shot and we'll see how that goes. If these blogs start making sense, you KNOW something is wrong, so please tell me.

I'm gonna leave you with a song that I always seem to hear right when I need to hear it.

"Maybe I'm amazed" ~ Paul McCartney

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time

Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time

Hung me on a line

Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Maybe I'm a man

maybe I'm a lonely man

Who's in the middle of something

That he doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a man

and maybe you're the only woman

Who could ever help me

Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm a man

maybe I'm a lonely man

Who's in the middle of something

That he doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a man

and maybe you're the only woman

Who could ever help me

Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time

Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song

Right me when I'm wrong

Maybe I’m amazed at the way I really need you

Homos are so Gay

Well, I was GOING to get my lab done today at work, but noooooo.....the 2 people that I like (that don't hurt) are both OFF! Grrrreeeatttt!! Oh well, I can wait until Monday. Plus, it's fasting lab, and once I found out that my 2 weren't working, it was Mt. Dew city.
I've been doing some investigatin' about this Postpartum Depression. I know I'm not the doc, but it's like wearing a chicken suit to work - it just doesn't make sense. But, maybe after a couple of weeks of happy pills, it will. LOL. "Everything is beautiful!" "Mel, shutup." "I love America! God Bless the U.S.A.! Hugs for you!!" I only hope I can go back to my normal annoying self.
It seems that this time of year brings everybody down. There's an actual condition for like, the winter blues....which name escapes me at the moment. It's unreal - the coolest people I know are going through the hardest times right now - all very different circumstances but each one high on the "sucks ass" scale.
They do say to go to a tanning session every once in a while to actually get some sunshine. Makes sense, if you want to be a Beggin' Strip or look like this guy here.

Since I've been Captain Sadpants for what seems like years, I thought it would be fun to actually go out on a 'date' this weekend with Dan. We haven't done that in, oh....almost 4 years? Don't get me wrong, we go out to eat, etc...but we never get 'gussied up'....you know what I'm saying. Normally I'm in a sweatshirt and jeans....tonight, it's a sweatshirt, jeans, and makeup.

I was trying to think of different things to do......when I was a teenager, we just went to the mall. For 4 hours. That's the way it was, and we liked it!!! Aladdin's didn't even have an air hockey table then!! What did we do to pass the time??!! Looking back, we could have made some extra money sweeping....we made so many laps around the place. To this day, my favorite "high school mall job" was Baskin-Robbins. You got paid to socialize and give your pals free ice cream. I also tried the Kay-bee toys route. You think I would be in heaven working at a toy store. NOPE. I got sick 84958485 times while working there. It was worse than a day care. Parents are idiots - the kid is off sick from school, so they just take them along for their 800 errands, and end up contaminating 1/2 the free world. I remember one kid whose face was blood red (from fever) and he was coughing his head off....walking around the store while his mom shopped elsewhere. It was pathetic and sad.


_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@_@__@_@_@


Fast forward to 9:43 pm!! LOL. The previous was typed about 6:00 am, I started to get busy at work, (and not in a good way) so I had to cease the ramblin'. Tonight was fun - absolutely fun. It was a nice breather away....just 3 hours, but still. We went to Johnny B's (his favorite place for wings in this town) and then bowling, which I haven't done since high school. LOL. I'm not coordinated AT ALL. I bowl like a 3 year old does. I get to the line and heave the ball. I am in no way ready for the Pro Bowling Circuit, sponsored by Delores' Cafe. My first game was 54. Second? 90 BEOTCH!! The funnest time I had was constantly changing our names on the scoreboard screen. Ben Dover, Lew Zerr, Mookie Wilson.....LOL. Awe-sem.
We then went to the candy store in the mall because Dan loves Runts candy, but he reeeeally likes the banana runts, so I got him a pound of banana runts. You know, mainly to make him sick of his all time favorite candy. Next month is his turn. Pray for me.

I guess I'll close for now. I feel like I'm coming down with something - you know how you get all sinus-ey like you just inhaled Dr. Pepper in both nostrils? That's what my nose feels like.
Like someone round-house kicked me in the face with a bag of Lenders Bagels. Like my face was a possum and my sinuses were an 18 wheeler on J.R. Miller Blvd.
I'll stop now.

xoxo,
Mel


Song in my head:
"Buddy Holly" ~ Weezer


What's with these homies dissin' my girl?
Why do they gotta front?
What did we ever do to these guys
That made them so violent?


Woo-hoo, but you know I'm yours.
Woo-hoo, and I know you're mine.
Woo-hoo, and that's for all the time.

Woo-ee-oo, I look just like Buddy Holly.
Oh-oh, and you're Mary Tyler Moore.
I don't care what they say about us anyway.
I don't care 'bout that.


Don't you ever fear, I'm always there.
I know that you need help.
Your tongue is twisted, your eyes are slit.
You need a guardian.

Woo-hoo, and you know I'm yours.
Woo-hoo, and I know you're mine.
Woo-hoo, and that's for all the time.


Woo-ee-oo, I look just like Buddy Holly.
Oh-oh, and you're Mary Tyler Moore.
I don't care what they say about us anyway.
I don't care 'bout that.


Bang bang knock on the door,
another big bang, you're down on the floor.
Oh no! What do we do?
Don't look now but I lost my shoe.
I can't run and I can't kick.
What's a matter babe, are you feelin' sick?
What's a matter, what's a matter, what's a matter you?
What's a matter babe, are you feelin' blue?
Oh-oh-oh....
And that's for all the time.


Woo-ee-oo, I look just like Buddy Holly.
Oh-oh, and you're Mary Tyler Moore.
I don't care what they say about us anyway.
I don't care 'bout that.
I don't care 'bout that.
I don't care 'bout that.

Tears of a Clown LOL

Sitting here in a quiet house before the hubby and kids come home. Went to the OB Doc and actually sat in her office and talked with her, which was nice because that meant she wasn't going to invade my good parts during this visit. I had previously wrote some notes down of certain instances of my hormonal drama, because I can never remember what I want to say until I'm in the car leaving the office. Started to cry (which if you know me, it doesn't take much to make me cry. What has been worrying me though, is I couldn't cry even if I wanted to lately) and was blubbering on about how I felt like I was a crappy wife and I hate for my kids to see me angry. I dont take it out on them, but they're in the same house - they hear more than they should. I've been there, done that, and my kids are not going to go through that.

She told me that I was going through post-partum depression. Huh? That's it??!!

Don't get me wrong, PPD is not fun....but when I think of PPD I imagine a mom who cries non-stop at those "I dont feel fresh" commercials.....I'm not like that. I'm more like "Who moved my drink? WHO moved my god damned drink?? WHAT THE FK!!!" over something absolutely miniscule. I'm talking RAGE. It's awful.

I did tell her that I felt that her nurse was not helpful at all - and it wasn't smart to tell someone whose calling for help to say, "Honey, that's just life!" It very well may be, but I wanted to shove the phone down her throat.

I said, "I just want to see what my hormone levels are!! I just want to see with my own eyes if I'm NORMAL." So, she ordered some labs, even though she said I don't need them, which I appreciate. She said, "Your hormone levels are supposed to go up and down around the time of your period." And I said, "Um, my period isn't ALL MONTH!" I wanted to say, "Who signed these diplomas? Are you certified?"

So, she recommended some stuff and I go back in a month. If I'm not admitted to Psych that is.

That's all I got - thanks for caring.

Guess What? Chicken Butt.

I'm sitting here either super cool or the worst mother in the world. It's late, I should be in bed, but I feel awe-sem because I'm sitting at the PC with my earphones in jamming to my Ipod. Why the worst mom? Because my youngest is 5 feet from me, and I would have no clue if she was crying. My husband is asleep, there's NO way he would hear her...or a marching band right next to him for that matter.

Yeah yeah yeah, the Packers lost. It sucks. But how cool would it be if the Giants beat the Patriots??? Not likely, but Oh my!! I might actually do the happy dance!!!

I need to get a grip on my hormones bad. I should not want to rip a phone book in 1/2 just from someone interrupting me at work, but that's how bad it is. I hate, and I mean absolutely hate calling and talking to my OB's nurse to make an appointment. I was explaining to her my issues, and she says to me, "Honey, that's just life you're going through." and I said, "So, wanting to hang up on you right now is life?" Idiot. I think from now on when I go in there I'll just throw a donut and hope her fat ass runs and gets it to distract her while I'm trying to do my bid-ness.

I'm normally a happy, joking around person. Sometimes too much. I'd much rather you not talk to me at all anymore rather than say something to you that I don't mean. And that's not me.
It's like all of my faults are magnified x 1000.

This is the suckiest blog ever!!

I think I'm a clone now

It doesn't take much to fascinate me. That's why the Kleenexes with the Vicks vap-o-rub mentholatum smell is my new most favorite thing ever. I'd stick one in each nostril if I could. A lady I work with brought a box, and we're not even using them for their intended purpose. Kathy put one on her desk just to "smell it" every once in a while. Mmmmmm. Mentholatum.

I saw an article where the FDA has approved cloned meat. More mad cow for less the hassle! I can't wrap my head around this one. They actually determined that cloned meat was safe by feeding cloned animals TO the animals. "Man, this tastes really good, don't you agree Mom?.......MOM?!!" Also, and this is from SeattlePI.com, the cloned newborn cattle are often born seriously unhealthy but over time overcome their illness(es), thus making them safe to eat. I don't want my steak arriving on a short bus. I want the MENSA of all steaks. You know, this could actually solve world hunger. Send a few FDA science dorks, a cow and a couple of goats to Africa!!

American Idol comes back on tonight!! I only watch the cheesy auditions. It's getting kind of annoying, because most of the people know they can't sing, they just want to be on TV. You know it's bad when their song of choice is "Happy Birthday." LOL.

I think I'm going to relocate to Germany. Sugarfree gum there is causing a huge diarrhea epidemic. Maybe I started this paragraph out wrong......that's not why I want to move there. It's because the sugarless gum they make there has Sorbitol in it, and apparently if you chew enough of it you will lose weight. We don't use sorbitol here, it's nutra-sweet. Crap! I mean, no!
"Germany: We don't shave our legs and we crap alot. Welcome."

Today's blahhhhg won't be as long, mainly because the menthol has eaten most of my brain cells, and second, I'm about ready to go upstairs to the 'workoutapalooza.' I'll just leave you with a lovely song to get you through your day/evening/whatever.

Peace out, Nancys!

Mel

"Misunderstanding"

Genesis

There must be some misunderstanding

There must be some kind of mistake

I waited in the rain for hours

You were late

Now it's not like me to say the right thing

But you could've called to let me know

I checked your number twice, don't understand it

So I went home

Well I'd been waiting for this weekend

I thought that maybe we could see a show

Never dreamed I'd have this feeling

But seeing you is believing

That's why I don't know why

You didn't show up that night

There must be some misunderstanding

There must be some kind of mistake

I was waiting in the rain for hours

You were late

Since then I've been running around

trying to find you

I went to the places you always go

I rang your house but got no answer

Jumped in my car, I went round there

I still don't believe it

He was just leaving

There must be some misunderstanding

There must be some kind of mistake.

I know it's an ampersand! I think....

First off, I have waaaay too many passwords anymore. I feel like I'm at work! Paying bills, email accounts, this thing.....you'd think they'd all be the same, right? Oh no. Most sites require a number or two and one capital letter and/or an asterisk or whatever this is: &.

I got it! My new universal password: zebracAke69.

I'm a little bummed tonight. The Colts lost, which sucks, because that's my team, mainly because I can pronounce their QB's name. (I know Manumaleuna isn't the Rams QB, but YOU try to say it.) The Cowboys lost as well. At least they can't blame Jessica Simpson this time. She, being a woman, and not smart, she's prolly happy they lost. "Yay! More time with Tony!!"

4 words: Chicken of the Sea.

The only good thing to come out of tonight with Dallas losing, at least now the Packers get to play the Giants at home in Lambeau.

I guess I'll put away my penis now.

We gave Shelby pears tonight. (Stage 1 Gerber pears, not the actual fruit.) We didn't set one in her lap or anything. "Here you go! Gum away, sport!"

The bib got more food than she did, but she did fabulous. Now we wait for the infamous "she's now eating food" poop.

There is a commercial on TV that features Scooby Doo. Austin, who used to be obsessed with Sesame Street, has a fit every time this commercial comes on. All I have to say is the inventer of Tivo must have children. Without Tivo, we'd be screwed right now. Have you seen any Scooby Doo DVDs lately? Me neither. Thank You Boomerang Network!!

I loooove Tivo. Looooooooooooooove it.

Tomorrow starts the "working out after work" crap I was babbling about the other day. I need to load the MP3 player with my Weird Al box set. I think I'll go do that!!

Oh, some days you'll notice song lyrics on here. Music is a huge part of my life, and so it was only a matter of time before it made its debut.

Chow,

Mel

Song in my head:

"Serenity" - Godsmack

As I sit here,

and slowly close my eyes,

I take another deep breath,

and feel the wind pass through my body.

I'm the one in your soul,

reflecting inner light.

Protect the ones who hold you.

Cradling your inner child.

I need serenity, in a place where I can hide.

I need serenity, nothing changes, days go by.

Where do we go when we just don't know

and how do we relight the flame when it's cold?

Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing

and when do we learn to control?

Tragic visions have slowly stole my life.

Tore away everything, cheating me out of my time.

I'm the one who loves you, no matter wrong or right.

And every day I hold you, I hold you with my inner child.

I need serenity, in a place where I can hide.

I need serenity, nothing changes, days go by.

Where do we go when we just don't know

and how do we relight the flame when it's cold?

Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing

and when do we learn to control?

Aaaaahhh, yeah.Aaaaaahhhh...Aaaaahhh, yeah.Aaaaaahhhh...

Where do we go when we just don't know

and how do we relight the flame when it's cold?

Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing

and when will we learn to control?(I need serenity)

Where do we go when we just don't know

and (I need serenity) how do we relight the flame when it's cold?

(I need serenity) Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing

(I need serenity) and when will we learn to control?

Donnie Baker for President (Shutup, Randy!)

Have you ever tried to order anything off of Amazon.com? I just purchased a couple of books for myself and Hubby. The site was very easy to navigate....until you go to pay for it. Why is it important what I had for breakfast? Why do I have to keep verifying my email address? WHY IS MY EMAIL ADDRESS IMPORTANT? I could put 'gravyinpants@aol.com' .....why does it matter? Are the amazon police going to come in the middle of the night? I know, they send you a verification of your purchase. I KNOW. I just dont know why they ask for it 85935829508 times, and then one time you'll type it wrong, then it comes back and you have to re-type all your info again...............Can you tell I'm frustrated? Bite me, amazonians!

No, my book isn't on anger management. That would be funny, though....to call a bookstore all pissy wanting to know what books they have on managing anger.

I really need to get on an exercise regimen. I have no excuse, really, other than lack of motivation. We have a workout room at work that we can use free of charge, which is nice, but after working a 10 hour shift, the last thing I want to do is go upstairs and walk on the treadmill. But I must! I just hope I don't see any doctors with their shirts off. Well, unless they're hot.

I'm also afraid I'll forget where I'm at and be singing along with my MP3 player.
Walking on the treadmill, eyes closed, "HOOOT childdd in the cittyyyy!!!".....then I open my eyes and see the housekeeper looking at me. Most of them know me anyway...I always move their carts down the hall while they're cleaning the bathrooms.

I was watching 'Ellen' yesterday, and she had the "Hip Hop Abs" dude on there. It looks really fun, but for someone like me with NO coordination, aerobics is not something I eagerly sign up for. I'm the girl when the whole class is moving R, I'm going L. Don't even get me started on those damn steps. Step up with your R foot, hop, step down on your left, dance a jig...anything with more than 2 things to do is OUT. I'm better off walking laps around the gym while this part is going on. I look like I should have a helmet and pads on because I am so uncoordinated.

And why is it when you're doing ab crunches your body all of a sudden gets gassy?

One place I really like to go and walk is down by the river. Me and my friend Daphne used to walk down there alot. The stairs where you watch fireworks is EXCELLENT for your calves. Something that was fun, but not smart, was running down the hill towards the river. She'd be in front of me and I'd be screaming, "I can't stop! I can't stop!" If she all of a sudden stopped, or tripped, I'd be in deep crap. Running down the hill towards fast moving water is not the brightest idea. Your momentum gets going and it scares the crap out of you because you don't think you'll ever stop. We need to put hay or a wall of tires down there if we decide to do that again. Or I need to start running with my floaties.

I really need to get a grip on my hormones. Either that, or start weeding out the stupid people. You'd be amazed the amount of people who call for patient room numbers, and don't know the patients last name. That's kind of vital, Einstein.

Caller: "I need a room number."

Me: "Allright. Shoot."

Caller: "Chad."

Me: "Chaaaad?"

Caller: "I don't know his last name."

Me: *Click*

This one kills me....

Caller: "I need my Dad's room number."

Me: "Ok."

Caller: *silence*

Me: "What is his name?!!"

Idiot.

I think I am going to stop reading the news online. I rarely catch it on the tube, so that's not a concern. I never realized that once I had children how much I would be affected by ALL kids.

It hurts my heart when I read abuse stories or worse. Sometimes I wonder why it's even news to begin with. I feel the media crosses the line way too much. With Britney Spears for example. It is obvious this girl needs help. As a parent, you can only do so much, but instead of calling "trusted" magazines to print updates on your daughter, why not get her help? I'm not there, I have no clue what's going on, and frankly, it's her business, I don't care. I feel bad for her little ones, though. Lord knows what they have been witness to. Having kids is not easy. I'm still on a roller coaster of hormones from having Shelby in September.

I had a lady bring her daughter in today and as I asked for her proof of insurance, she goes into this spiel in front of her daughter about how her daughter was adopted by her ex-husband, and she's fighting with his attorney because the ex-husband has taken this little girl off of his insurance but kept his "real kids." I wanted to cry! I'm thinking, "SHUTUP!" Kids remember more than what you think they do. I found out not too long ago that an ex of mine (who had adopted children of his own) has bailed out on one of his kids. It's a long, ridiculous, hard to believe story, but it's true. If I saw him today, I'd definitely make sure he could never have kids of his own. Children aren't disposable! They're little helpless adorable sponges that look to you for everything. EVERYTHING. Being a mom is the best gift ever, but I never realized how awesomely hard it was to be a parent. It's so much more than changing diapers and feeding and watching "The Little Mermaid" 800 times like you did when you babysat your neighbors kids. Seriously, I can quote that movie I watched it so much. Courtney (who I watched until she was about 2) is 21 now. God, I'm old.

More later - I've typed so much about kids I'm missing mine.

xoxo

Mel

It's late. I'm wide awake. *Sigh.*

Greetings!

I think this whole blogging thing is a drug. It's pretty sad when my son pees in the floor, and I think, "OMG.....wait until I blog about THIS!" He stood in the kitchen today "Momma! I pee pee! I pee pee now!"
My son isn't a liar. He pee pee'd.
I tell you WAYYYY too much.

I seem to be developing a fan club....Missy at work will sit right next to me and say, "Type something on your blog...I'm bored!" When we could very easily strike up a convo right then and there. Women are funny like that. "Go to your office and I'll call you!" Call me? I'm right here!!!!

I was on myspace tonight looking at some pictures, and Dan was like, "Do women take their camera EVERYWHERE?" I don't know how many profiles I've seen where women are always in 3's with their heads real close, and the title is "GIRLS NIGHT OUT!!"
Fine, go out! Who gives a crap!
Deep down I'm just jealous. My nights are all about diapers and Apple Juice. And then there's the kids to take care of.

I think I need to get my eyes examined. Driving is not one of my strong points, but add darkness to the equation and you're asking for disaster. And what's with these bluish/white headlights now? Ugh. And why don't country roads have lines? NO lines in the road, and ditches on both sides. Ginger, THIS is why I never come to your house. I drove to a friends house in Utica once, had my license less than a week...when I got there, she was like, "What did you hit???!!!" because I had corn husks all in my R side hubcaps.
Me: (Panicking) "I didn't hit anything!! Which is shocking because of all the damn cows!! And who doesn't put stripes down the middle of the road? Where the hell am I??!!!"
Yep. And it was Utica, people. 20 minutes out of Owensboro. Tops.

I may suck at driving, but I'm not an idiot when it comes to parking. Whoever the Captain of the Dumbass Elite was that parked so close to me at Wal-Mart that I had to suck in so much I almost imploded....the maxi pad on your windshield was from ME!! Take that, jackass!
Something that annoys the crap out of my husband is that I'm a honker. Light turns green? *HONK!!* "GOOOOO!!!!" I'm also a flipper-offer. Yes, that IS a word.
And I do laugh at myself sometimes when I honk and wave at people I don't know. Mainly because they'll spend the next 5 minutes thinking, "Who the hell was that?" But you wave...you always do. The horn honks, your hand automatically goes up. Wave first, ask questions later. Never fails.

I haven't been up this late in a while. It's only 10:53 pm. Granted, I'm the ONLY one in the house up. I am finding out that after everybody goes to bed is MEL time. It hit me one day.....the house is quiet, Dan isn't on the PC...I could actually read the paper online in peace!!!!

*Insert Hallelujah! choir here*

Take care losers. I'm outie.
xoxox
Mel

I want a train in my house just like in Silver Spoons

Ok, it's January and 65 degrees outside. What is this? Texas? I'd love to move to Texas, actually. *Image of Mel in a cowboy hat* How cool would that be? You could end all of your sentences with "wah ha hah"...."Pass me the salt little lady, wah ha hah."
This year has been the weirdest weather for our town. One day you're mowing the grass, the next day you're shoveling your driveway. I love it when it's about 70 and NO humidity. Humidity and curly hair do not get along.

Just a tip - do not leave your makeup where your 2 year old can get ahold of it. I have to admit, it was really cute him attempting to put lipstick on me last night....I'd show you the pic but then I'd have to kill you. There's huge red chunks on my lips, if anything, it looks like I have BAD herpes. HAHA!
Speaking of pictures and little ones, why do parents have to take pictures of everything? "Awwww...it's his first poopy diaper!.....aww, it's the first time she spit up on me!! How cute!" Nicole, a co-worker of mine, told me she has 7,000 pictures of her son in her PC. Not 700. Not 1000. 7,000. How old do you think this child is? 12? Nope. 18 months. When he learns to talk, his first words will be "CHEESE THIS!!"

I dunno if you have caught this story or not, but I found it to be absolutely ridiculous.
This lady who resides in Oregon is a mayor of a small town. She has a myspace page up with racy photos of herself. She says her personal life is "her business." I agree. EXCEPT YOUR A MAYOR OF A SMALL TOWN, MORON!!
To top it off, the pictures of her in her lingerie are on the city's fire truck. This I have a problem with...or can understand why the residents are so upset. She's not even that hot. What the hell?
You choose to be a public servant, and should conduct yourself accordingly. Skank!
Link to story: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,320588,00.html

I cannot imagine being sexy on a fire truck. *Insert hose joke here.*

To be honest, it's hard for me to "try" to be sexy. I can't do it. There's women I'm sure who strip for their man, etc...I, even though I'm sure it would be appreciated, can not. Walking towards him I would trip....I'd have problems unhooking my bra....the music would skip......you name it, it would happen.

You're welcome for the mental imagery, by the way.

That's one of the biggest fears I had about having a baby girl. I am not "foo-foo" at all. I played with my brother's hot wheels as a kid. I had dolls, but I gave them mohawks and moustaches with Sharpies. I am not the woman to come to for fashion and/or makeup tips....I guess if Shelby has questions, I'll have her email her gay cousin in Atlanta. He's so pretty!!

I found out today that a dear friend of mine, Catherine, lost her mother. It's awful. She passed away from a brain aneurysm and she was only 50 years old. Catherine is like me....we constantly sing stupid off the wall songs and laugh at ourselves. Who sings "Hey Santa" by Wilson Phillips in July? Us.

She's expecting her 4th baby in September. I swear, everytime she sneezes a baby pops out. At her shower, I'm going to buy her a diaphragm.

We're under a tornado watch at the moment. I'm not a big fan of thunder and lightning. Or tornadoes, obviously. I remember as a single gal I lived in an apartment next to another single gal....everytime there was a tornado warning we'd always sit in my bathtub until it was over.

(We were clothed, freak.) One night it was awful outside and she came to my door....I'm like, "You want ME to protect you? The thunder just made me wet myself!!"

I guess I'm going to go...I need to move my mattress to the tub.

Hey Santa!!!

Mel

I miss NERF Basketball

Goooooood Morning!

I know, I'm entirely too cheerful this morning, but I've been up since 4 a.m. so there-you-go. Where I work (yes, I'm at work, shutup) there is absolutely NOBODY around this early. I experience this every time I come in to open. I look down the huge hallways, and it reminds me of "The Shining." If there are ever twin girls dressed in blue in the middle of the hall I would crap myself!!

The dork in me wants to roller skate down the hallways, go up and down elevators zooming around.....it would be the best time ever. As a kid I used to go to the roller skating rink on Wesleyan Park Drive. It was $2.00 to get in for as long as you wanted to stay. There's Skates Alive open now, but it's not the same. It's a hardwood floor, meaning when you make your way to the end of the rink and turn L you are going against the grain and it sucks. Although if you were having a conversation while you were skating, upon reaching this point you do sound like a motorboat, so...it works out. The old rink was CONCRETE! How smart was that? But that's the way it was, and we liked it! We loved it! I was never good at stopping, or doing the hokey pokey. I was the dork when you "do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around" I literally could not turn myself around. I'd be the one going waaaay outside the circle, then upon attempting to stop either falling or grabbing the girl next to me's shirt and taking her down with me. Who would put a brake at the tip of your shoe? I could never grraaaduuuallly come to a stop. It's all or nothing with me. "Where'd Mel go?" "Down here! I'm O-K!"

Then there's the snack bar! You had to go to the snack bar on SKATES!! WHAT? What 7 year old can carry a tray with nachos, blazing hot cheese and a drink....on a slick tile floor on skates??!!! Throw me some balls.....you want me to juggle too, Sparky???!!

Oh no, and to go to the bathroom....don't EVEN get me started on that. You can't sit on those nasty toilets, and since we girls have to wipe, let's just say coordination is NOT one of my strengths, including hand-eye. Damn ramps leading into the bathroom what the holy hell!

Geez, I never knew all of this was inside of me...I never knew I had so much pent up "skating rink" aggression. Thank you readers, thank you.

After yesterdays sneezing fiasco, I thought I was going to end up with a sinus infection. I spent all of last night still sneezing, then my sinuses really began to ache. It's different than just coming down with a 'bug'....I choked on motherfking Crystal mother fking light! I don't know how coke users tolerate it.....why would you WANT to voluntarily put something up your nose? If there is anyone out there who is making a list of things NOT to put up your nose, add crystal light to it. I'm here to help.

With the new year here and gone, everybody is all amped up about their resolutions to lose weight, quit smoking, etc. I made my husband an offer: If I lose 30 pounds, would he quit smoking? He took me up on it, simply because of the probability of me following through on the weight loss is....well, I may surprise everybody on that one. *cough*bullcrap*cough*

I do actually have one that is proving to be more successful, and that's not letting things get to me like I used to. I deal with things as they happen, rather than keeping it in and taking it out later on the wrong people. I was always worried about other people's feelings, but I look at it this way, if you are going to be a douche, I'll douche right back! Douche!

I have a heater underneath my desk turned on all the way to high - the room is cold as crap but my right leg has a huge red spot under my pants. Toasty!

I gave in to my inner child and re-joined Myspace. I hate to say it, it's actually a nice way to keep up with friends. I could give a poop about how pretty my page is, but I love seeing how these thin cheerleaders from school now look like 3rd shift city bus drivers. It was cool, within 2 days I had like, 25 "friends" all from different parts of my life.

**Random stupid joke: What did the prisoner say to his girlfriend? "I'll call you later from my cell."**

I'm off for now - go do something productive, loser!

Ta-ta,

Mel

Great Expectations: Not all I expected it to be

Oh my lord, I'm dying. Elizabeth! I'm comin!! I just took a drink of water and I guess it went down the wrong way, but since the baby is asleep I tried to contain the ensuing madness, and ended up having crystal light come out my nose. I hate that burning that follows...you know, the same burning that when you go swimming you ALWAYS get water up your nose. So there you are trying to be casual looking like you just got hit in the face with a dodgeball..."I gob wabber in my node!"

I just sneezed about 600 times. You go, body defense system!!

My brain: "Warning! Warning! Crystal light...what the...? In the NOSE?? Really?!"

Oh my gosh. This really sucks right now.

Something that struck me funny....I read an article last night where a man's GPS system told him to turn R...so he did.....INTO THE PATH OF AN ONCOMING TRAIN! What a moron! Of course the car got stuck, he got out in the nick of time, but COME ON! Update your software, Dork! If mine told me to turn R and it just happened to be the end of a cliff, I might think twice....I wouldn't think, "Maybe there's candy at the bottom!" and go for it. Idiot.

I'm still sneezing.

I haven't left my house since I got home from work Tuesday night. This is not good for someone like me, with too much time on their hands. Tonight is the usual...go out for Mexican then grocery shopping. I grocery shop the same way, every time. It's like I have a map of Wal-Mart in my head, and I do my list from that, which I usually leave at home or at work. *Image of Missy finding a post-it with Corn Dogs, Diapers, Vaseline....."Whose list is this???"*

We were talking at work the other day about it...frozen foods are always last! And do you use those "keep cold" bags they provide? I never knew about those until we saw some dude (probably gay) putting his whatevers in one. I was like, "Awesome!!" (Doesn't take much to excite me.)

Oh my god, this is awful. If your heart stops every time you sneeze, I should be dead right now. I look like Sylvester Stallone in the final scene of Rocky.

I guess I shall close considering I can now feel my heartbeat in my nose from sneezing 487 times. This was so not what I had intended on yacking about....I guess when I remember what it was, you shall read about it.

Party on Garth,

Mel *ah-choo!*

Cold weather is for the birds. Well, not really, I guess.

Hello all you happy people! (Droopy forever!)

Speaking of Droopy, I need to get online and see if there are any DVDs featuring him. I grew up watching Tom and Jerry and Droopy with my Dad....if it wasn't for my Dad I don't think I would be as warped as I am. (How many 5th graders go to school quoting "Naked Gun" and/or "Airplane?") I hope they sell them still - Austin would love it. He's the only 2 year old I know with comedic timing.

WHY is it such a major feat when both kids take a nap at the same time? I always feel like I'm the shiznit when this happens. Of course, all I do is grab a diet pepsi and ramble for your amusement on here, but still. If I could get a hard-on, I'd totally have one right now.
I'm the type of person who is consumed by their kids. There are people who continue their lives as normal, with their kids just tagging along, then there are those like me, whose lives are now consumed with Sesame Street, Diapers, and fruit snacks. (Diapers is really the only thing that is added....I never let sesame street go, and fruit snacks...especially the spongebob ones...are good!)
I'll never forget being at a meeting at a radio station where I used to work (WBIO/97X/WLME for those that care) and I had a small thing of bug juice. Dave and Mike (co-workers who never ceased to give me sh*t) were like,"Yeah, our kids drink that. They're 5." SHUTUP! Bug juice rules. As does Kool-Aid koolers, even though I can never get those friggin' things open, and when you do, it all ends up in your lap. Who's the rocket scientist who thought that up? "Make 'em twist open....but put it in a cheap plastic bottle so all the liquid spews out....they'll sell like hotcakes!!") I still drink those. Dan's granny still buys them "for the kids." Whose kids I have no idea, but sucks to be them, because I've been drinking them all.

I am getting really sick of this cold weather. I walked a short distance from my car to work last night, and by the time I got inside, I looked like Beetlejuice. It was so windy and cold....it took your breath away. (What?)
Julie was like, "Oh my gosh, you actually have a jacket on!" to which I replied, "Piss off" but then it was so cold my teeth were chattering, and she thought I said, "Hasselhoff" which led us to talking about Knight Rider and how I'd love for my Scion to talk to me, which in my world, it does anyway, except I have no voice activated light bar, but I do have a flashlight keychain, but sometimes it doesn't click as fast as I want it to, either that, or passers-by think I'm summoning help and always end up knocking on the window making me forget where I was. What else do I have to do while waiting for the car to warm up? Geezus.

Funyuns are really good, but are they equipped with shards of onions or something? Am I the only one whose mouth feels like it's went through a shredder after eating these? They're the best food to eat in a movie theater. It's worse than the people that take 20 minutes to open a plastic bag.....these mothers CRUNCH like crazy. The fun factor is upped simply because you're in a movie theater and everyone (mostly) is dead quiet. Don't ever go to the movies with me.

Speaking of movies, I want to see JUNO really bad. It looks like a simple, cute, funny love story. I love those. They make you leave the movie theater hating your husband because he never does anything romantic anymore, and you spend the rest of the night fighting/crying and playing "What might have been" by Little Texas in your head. Maybe it's just me, but sappy movies always make me like that. Don't even make me talk about Sleepless in Seattle.

I think we have a live animal living under our house. It's two degrees outside, and it seems like everytime the furnace kicks on, a few minutes later something sounds like it's running into the side of a filing cabinet. (No, I dont have a filing cabinet under my house. I'm just telling you what it sounds like. Stay with me.) Dan is like, "It's probably a cat running into the duct work...no big deal." WHAT? What if it's a rabid raccoon? What if it chews a hole through the duct, crawls up the vent, and chews my face off while I'm asleep? This is the world I live in, people. Don't say, "It's probably blah blah blah..." because you have then planted a seed that will not die. I'm one of those kids who read a story as a child about an alligator living in the sewer, and TO THIS DAY when I take a bath, I wince just a little when I look at the drain. I never liked nature shows as a kid. Except when they showed lions doing it. Now that's funny.

Well, I must go. My husband will be home in about a 1/2 hour. Plenty of time to go get all of his underwear and stick them in the freezer again.

Mel

Put a radiator in your butt, see ya later in your butt....

Hope everyone had a great New Year....blah blah blah, same old crap everybody always says.

At 12:00 am this morning I was surrounded by family and friends, glass of champagne in my hand, singing "Aud Lang Syne" (not the Dan Fogelberg one, even though when it rains I often drive around with it on repeat).......ok wait, where was I? Anyway, to be honest, at midnight, there was no ball dropping at my house. (FREAK!!! I'm talking about Dick Clark! ACK! And not Dick Clarks balls!) Huhuhuhuhuhuuhuh....Dick's balls.

My point is, at midnight I was sound asleep. I think sometimes, "Man I miss the days of waiting up until midnight...." and then I remember that when I get drunk (usually after two drinks) I'm usually asleep by 7:30. What's there to miss? My friends taking care of me? A Journey song coming on the radio and me attempting to sing it? I haven't heard "Hey Mel, let's go out tonight!" in forever from my friends because they KNOW. They KNOW.

I also realized how old I really am. I got a text message at 2:15 this morning from a co-worker..."HAPPY NEW YEAR YOU GUYS!!!" and I wanted to kill her. All I could think was, "Damn Kids!!" I'm glad I'm approachable, don't get me wrong, but good lord.

As far as the hormone issue I've been blabbing about....I know that it made no sense for it to be related to the tubal, but that's all I had to go on. After Austin's birth in '05 I had some baby blues that lasted a while, but not like this. This isn't baby blues. This is You: "Hey Mel, how's it going?" Me: "DIE ASSHOLE!!" Something has got to give.

I don't like feeling this way. My favorite quote while seeking advice: "Maybe it's not your hormones. Maybe you're just a bitch." Awesem.

You know what annoys me? When an ambulance goes by and someone either says:

"There goes the meat wagon!!!" or "I need a bam-ba-lance!"

Oh, and velvet. I cannot stand velvet. Or someone else drinking my milk. Gross.

I am off for the next three days. I love being off work, but I get cabin fever BAD. And quick. It sucks...being anal retentive about getting your kids out in cool weather (they'll get sick! Nooooo!!!) but then being prone to cabin fever. In my case, it's probably just A.D.D.

.....Oh look, a chicken!! LOL. I love that shirt. Have you seen it?

"They say I have A.D.D. but I disagree. Oh look, a chicken!!"

Dan almost bought it for me for Christmas one year. Why I just told you that, I have no idea.

Off for now. Must search the web for useless crap that I don't need.

http://perpetualkid.com

xoxo,
Mel